***Note: If you’re a sports fan, you might not want to read any further. This list will really piss you off.
1. Millions of dollars will be spent to advertise and televise the many glorious sporting events that Americans religiously support. Luckily, this money will be kept from the greedy hands of needy human beings and given instead to more deserving recipients such as television executives and other various corporate sporting entities. Many sports players will retain ownership of their mansions and European sports cars, so all will be well and we can rest easy.
2. Thousands of gallons of fossil fuels will be regularly burned up by hundreds of racecars. All for the purpose of driving in a circle for hours while promoting household consumer items such as Tide laundry detergent and Mountain Dew Amp energy drink. We should probably drill for more oil in order to insure that we can continue to sell these important products. Otherwise humanity may forget how to wash clothes while remaining fully awake and alert.
3. Millions of gallons of beer will be consumed by many drunken redneck hillbillies while watching these sporting events. Subsequently, many will beat their wives after their team of choice loses a game. Because everyone knows housewives are to blame for all sporting losses. Not the coach. After all, he’s an angry beer swilling mouth-breather who is also prone to violent outbursts, with whom drunken hillbillies personally identify.
4. Washed-up former athletes will still get paid millions to talk about game highlights and predictions after the game, just long enough to interfere with any normal programming. Thus allowing them to keep their mansions and European sports cars. Thousands of impoverished Americans (those without cable) will be deprived of valuable cartoon time, as The Simpsons and Family Guy are preempted by this pointless ego stroking banter. Cartoon fans will never know when this will happen because they probably don’t give a rat’s ass about sports to begin with. Thus they will stay home in the hopes of seeing Peter Griffin and end up ultimately throwing things at the tv and screaming obscenities for half an hour. Sometimes two hours if it’s Nascar. Believe me, I’ve done this before.
5. People who do not have enough intelligence to entertain themselves or enrich their lives with learning activities or hobbies will still be able to feel important and form strong (sometimes violent) opinions about stupid, pointless shit. While they might not be able to understand much about the world around them, they will still be able to shake their fists and hold strong opinions about stuff. They will also be given the opportunity to go into debt by buying tons and tons of team regalia and clothing at exorbitant prices. A plus side to this scenario is they will be so distracted by their sports obsession, they’ll probably stop having sex with their sisters, cousins, and/or other close relatives.
6. Thousands of intelligent people will be ridiculed around company water coolers because they could care less about grown men fighting to move a ball back and forth in a large rectangular area while stopping regularly to grab each other’s asses. You know who you are. You used to smuggle sci-fi novels into all the school’s mandatory pep rallies just to keep yourself from committing suicide out of sheer boredom and jock-loathing.
7. During the course of many important playoffs and championships, young children in Africa will die due to AIDS, starvation, and unclean water supplies. Many heroic military vets will freeze to death under bridges and overpasses as their shellshock and war-induced Agent Orange cancer goes untreated. Someone’s grandmother will also die due to poor healthcare and an inability to keep her electricity turned on during the winter. Luckily, no one will notice these sad events because, “there was an interception, then we had to do The Wave, and then I had to tell the guy in front of me he was a jerk for wearing the wrong color, and by then I was so exhausted I had to eat my fifth hot dog of the night and chase it with another beer. Yaaaay! GO TEAM!!!”. I’m sure grandma will rest easily in heaven knowing that the same money that could have kept her power on for one more month, was spent on a couple tickets, some jerseys, and a hot dog or two.
8. Millionaires will run back and forth on a rectangular playing area while feeling very important. Their precious egos will be gently stroked and coddled, much like a sultan’s ballsack.
9. A ball, of sorts, will be moved back and forth from one side of the playing area to the other. This ball will not be allowed to leave the rectangular area or be allowed to travel any constructive length of distance. The key is to waste as much physical energy as pointlessly as possible. Otherwise something might actually get accomplished.
10. Coaches will yell at players in feigned anger in order to feel like their jobs are important. The key is to remain as angry as possible for as long as possible so people will be tricked into believing you actually do stuff. Oh, and they must stand still and look surprised when the players empty a cooler full of Gatorade on them at the end of the game. This will still be very important.
11. Grown men will fondle each other’s asses and grope on each other in ways that many fans would view as homosexual if it took place anywhere other than a sporting event. This will be viewed as normal and even exciting my many homophobic, redneck fans (most of whom are still in the closet and live in fear of their own sexual urges). Why else would you stare at men in tight pants for hours on end?
12. And now my final prediction!! People will still believe that any of this pointless crap matters and will funnel millions of dollars into the sports industry instead of using it for anything that actually helps humanity. Screw cancer cures! Screw world hunger! I’m ready for some football! It’s a Monday night party. After all, ole Hank says he’s ready to get the party started.
Pissed at me yet? I’m sure some of you are, but that’s o.k. I’d be pissed to if someone talked a bunch of smack about the things I enjoy. I am a fan of many pointless things myself, like cartoons, porn, and politics. Ha ha ha. Just joking about the politics bit. It IS pointless. I’m just not a fan.
Anyway, stay tuned for part two of my sports prediction series, where I try to explain myself a bit and demonstrate what I think we should be doing instead of wasting valuable money and resources on sports.
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