Illegal aliens that “took arrr jorbs!”

I’m going to have to politely request that you put down your I-phones and Blackberrys for a moment, put down that Starbucks Mocha Latte’, and pay close attention to what I’m about to tell you. Are you ready? O.K. Here it goes….. Mexican’s are not human trash. They are not lazy, shiftless, or inherently evil either. It’s kind of earth shattering isn’t it? I know it has to be fairly surprising for a lot of you to hear that. Especially since our government has told you the exact opposite for years.

I’m sure you’ve even had some helpful fellow Americans fill you in on all the horrible, malicious things these people have done to you, your country, and even your children’s futures. Living in the south, I’m reminded of this every day. Usually by some 65 year old white guy, with a sixth grade education, who uses the “N” word in every fifth sentence of the conversation. These shining pinnacles of intellectual excellence are a delight to behold, and I treasure the time I get to share with them (usually at the check out lane at the local Wal-mart). One of these fun people even took the time, one day, to point out to me the structural similarities held between Michelle Obama’s face and that of an ape. Unfortunately, I was so overjoyed with his insight, I forgot to tell him about George Bush’s likeness to a chimpanzee with Down’s syndrome. It’s such fucking fun living in the bible belt! But I digress. Back to the subject at hand.

The truth, in fact, is that most Mexican’s have families like yours and mine. They have hopes and dreams. They feel love for one another. A lot of them even go to church on Sunday. Shocking, isn’t it? Considering we’re currently trying to build a wall on our border to keep these people away from us, you would probably be more inclined to think of them as a zombie plague than decent human beings. Don’t tell anyone, but I once heard (from a trusted Christian source) that they even have souls and are allowed into heaven if they behave themselves.

I know what you’re thinking. “So if these folks are so nice and wonderful, why in the hell are they taking all our jobs?!!”. Well, uh, because they have to. Look at it this way, if you could go to Canada and make enough money in a few months to support your family, back home, for a whole year, wouldn’t you do it? If your child needed an operation in order to save their life, and this was the only way to get the money to make it happen, wouldn’t you do it? Or would you stay at home and let your family live in severe poverty in order to keep from inconveniencing a bunch of fat Americans who can’t live a week without their I-phones and cable television? It’s not like we Americans don’t do the same thing. How many of you know people who get their medicine from Canada? As humans, we do what we have to for ourselves and the ones we love. Anything less is illogical and stupid.

With the amount of waste and excess we have in this country, can you really blame anyone in REAL need from wanting to finish off our leftovers? Most of the jobs that are taken by “illegals” are the jobs most American’s are “too good for” anyway. How many Americans on unemployment right now would be biting at the bit for a job working in the fields picking tomatoes? How many of the people who just got laid off from factory jobs in the automotive industry would happily accept a minimum wage job (or less in most cases), in the heat, with absolutely no benefits or health coverage? Now let me ask this question: If you were an employer, would you rather hire a hard working Mexican man with a family to support, or a spoiled American teenager who spends all day on the cell phone trying to fabricate a reason to leave work early?

While we’re addressing all these “stolen” jobs, lets stop for a minute and look at what our own country is doing to help hardworking Americans stay employed. We’re laying off our own workers in order for CEOs and execs to take expensive vacations and get bigger and bigger bonuses. We’re building factories in Mexico and other foreign countries in order to maximize profits, thus insuring bigger bonuses for corporate fat cats. As a matter of fact, as long as Mexico stays poor, we can continue to exploit their country for cheap production without running into all the extra shipping costs that come from production overseas. I guess we can still exploit cheap foreign labor if it’s not done locally. And as long as a majority of the public blames unemployment on Mexicans, they probably won’t pay attention to what the upstanding American corporations are doing. It all works out so well, you’d almost think someone planned the whole thing.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that illegal immigration is not a problem. I’m just saying there is more to it all than “the powers that be” want us to think about and we can’t blame the Mexicans for trying to keep their families alive. In order to overcome this, we have to remove ourselves from the “us and them” mentality. We have to learn to accept everyone in the world as our fellow brothers in humanity. Just because someone lives on the other side of an imaginary line doesn’t mean they are any different from us. After all, we eat their cuisine, and drool over their beautiful men and women, yet we look down on them as if they are not as good as us Americans. This makes no sense and it has to quit. Considering our current economic crisis, we could very well be in their shoes before too long. How will we view ourselves if we end up sneaking into Canada to steal their table scraps?

As long as humanity allows itself to be divided with imaginary borders and political rhetoric spawned from greed, we will continue to destroy ourselves. If we stay divided, we will come into this new century as slaves, controlled by the wealthy powers of the world. Greed and money mongering (unlike love and hope) went global a long time ago. It is well established and currently has the people of the world in a chokehold. Money doesn’t care about borders. Nor does it let cultural or religious differences get in it’s way. If the money is there, “enemies” will shake hands and make deals, even at the expense of humanity as a whole. This has proven itself true over and over. How do you think Saddam Hussein originally got his first shot at serious power?

It’s time for the huddled masses to unite and go global. United, we can stand for something real and have a fighting chance at hope and happiness for ALL. Divided, we will surely fall and be exploited by the wolves in our own backyards. This is what they bank on. As long as we perceive each other as evil or insane, we’ll never get together and realize that after all this time, WE are not what is sabotaging hope, THEY are. As long as the poor people of the world are kept sick, divided, and uneducated, they know they have us where they want us.

So in closing, I’d just like to say, keep hating your fellow man if that’s what makes you feel good. Stay scared of people that are different if you feel you must. Believe all the bullshit that’s fed to you if it makes you feel proud of yourself. Try to convince yourself that any of this petty shit matters. The rest of us have bigger and better things to do than hate our fellow man. We’ve got a date with a paradigm shift that’s gonna make the richest people in the world shit their pants.

MooseHammer out Goddammit!!

Dreary And Dutiful

Hopeless workers
Dutiful and bleak.
Caged within the maze
Of stainless steel countertops
And tile floors pristinely deck-brushed.

Feeding the machine
That has no discernable head.
Only a boardroom of hungry shareholders
And insistent e-mailers.

Corporate catch-phrases
And unnecessary exclamation points
Pound into our heads
At every wrong turn.

From top to bottom
They slave the game,
Where there are no winners,
Only eventual losers and sub-par performers.

Oh come to me ye’ stomach ulcers,
Heart palpitations, and tooth clenching promises of hope that haunt in the night.
Self-sodomizations for off-days
And family promises betrayed and unkept.

If ever there was a god of the food industry
It would be have to be Kali.
Ravaging and destroying in the most extreme,
Yet subtly promising in distinct instances.

Why do we walk this plank?
This empty promise of eventual self-demise.
Are we just crazy
Or the dreamers of an impossible dream?

Why have I fucked myself into this thorny corner?
Why have I put a price tag on my life’s time?
Why do any of us keep coming back for more?
How can there be hope when the guests are all insane?

It’s all questions now.
I’m just digging for the magikal answer.

Optimist Overlord

Fight the good fight.
Don't give the bastards an inch.

Laugh in the face of anger
and allow that anger to burn itself to ruin.

There are diamonds in the coals
of anger immolated by fierce happiness.

The smile that cuts like a knife.
The impenetrable inner peace that comes from
watching someone kill themselves with their own frustration.

They have no more toys to turn their anger on.
So they turn on their own psyches.
Like an injured ant that stings itself into oblivion.
Twitching and twisting in a dance of insistent self-destruction.

Cast off the stinger with the shield of a shining open heart.
Rays of truth that shine the poison away.
The inner roar that seizes the day.

And makes all that is......
yours.

A word from Consumer X

Dear Sirs:

We want our fuckin country back.
I say that as if we ever had it.
We want our fucking country back.
You had your chance and you just fucked it up

By the people and for the people
Died when you took control.
It has been replaced
By the lies of greedy, power hungry, fascist, oppressors.
The people of this country are raised for exploitation and slaughter.
Like cow equals Big Mac and Dentine equals fresh breath

I have the right to live and be happy
Or sad if it’s of my choosing.
I have the right to own a gun.
I have the right to NOT kill someone because my government tells me to.
I have the right to not watch television,
To not take a number,
To not be coerced for feeling the way I do.
I have the right to choose my own religion or lack thereof (and not just limited to some brand of Christianity).
I have the right to live how I want to
And to die when and how I decide to.
To smoke a joint
And not believe a single word you tell me.
I have the right to make my own choices.
I have the right to tell someone they’re an asshole if they actually are one.
I have the right to hate what you do to me
And to call you on it.
And I have the right to make you quit.

You shouldn’t hate me.
I am not a terrorist.
I am not a communist (if you remember what that’s supposed to mean).
I am not a republican.
I am not a democrat.
I am not a murderer.
I am not a religious fanatic.
I am not a drug addict.
I am not a drunk (like there’s any difference).
I am not a liar.
I am not a thief.
I am not a subversive paranoid or an evildoer.
I am not a pawn for you to move in your greedy little game.
I am not a bought or sold commodity.
I am a human with the right to use my life however I see fit.
Just as you are…..

Give us our country back.
Please give us our country back.
You’ll only poison it, and destroy it.
Would you give a child the keys to your car?
Well you’re driving our world into the ground and I don’t think you know where the brakes are.
You buy your power with poisons and death.
Hope is more profitable but there is not an exchange rate for happiness.
Money is green paper. Nothing more.
Power is an illusion. How happy are you really?
You are greedy for that which is only an illusion.
A man-made hamster wheel that will run you to death.
I am greedy for that which is best in life.
The ultimate human experience.
My one life.
How will yours be remembered?
In the history books and biographical documentaries
Your name spoken from your grandchildren’s mouths
After your gravestone weathers into nothingness.
After the sun burns out and a black hole eventually destroys our planet.
Your life is now
Echoing on the backdrop of the universe.
Live it for you.
Quit grasping at the coat-tails of fleeting power, possessions, and bank accounts.
It’s a waste of energy.
Don’t hate yourself when death stares you in the eye.
When that last second stretches into infinity
When truth is known and you are everything there ever was
Make sure you can smile.
After all, "We love to see you smile".
Thank you. Drive thru.

Some basic truths that I believe are self evident

I refuse to let anyone tell me what chemicals I should or shouldn’t put into my body.

I refuse to let anyone tell me what god to pray to or what church to go to.

Corporate entities are inherently evil.

Christians pray to much to Jesus and ignore God in the process.

I will not cut my fucking hair.

I will not pray when told to or to whom I am told to.

I will not take prescription medication for depression. I am terrified for all the right reasons.

I know that we are killing ourselves as a species. This is encouraged by greedy corporate entities.

Money is addictive. You should constantly monitor your dosage.

I refuse to smile on command. Or when I don’t want to.

I recognize news and media for what it is (Programming and brainwashing).

I refuse to burn any book, any art, or any form of music for any reason.

I refuse to trust or believe any televangelist, and most preachers for that matter.

I refuse to feel bad for not conforming.

Pushy people better push someone else if they know what’s good for them.

People with plastic/fake smiles deserved to be punched until they can’t do it anymore.

Radical militant Christians are evil and are instruments of their own Satan.

God helps those who help themselves. Not those who refuse to use their brains or refuse to do anything for themselves. Prayer is a last resort, and a comfort, not a crutch.

Homeless people are just as pitiful in America as they are in third world countries. Why not try helping a neighbor or a war vet in need.

The amount of money that is wasted by corporate entities on stupid stuff is horrible. It should be used to make the community better. TV’s on gas pumps are not necessary.

My 100% guaranteed sports predictions for the rest of time…..Pt. 1

***Note: If you’re a sports fan, you might not want to read any further. This list will really piss you off.

1. Millions of dollars will be spent to advertise and televise the many glorious sporting events that Americans religiously support. Luckily, this money will be kept from the greedy hands of needy human beings and given instead to more deserving recipients such as television executives and other various corporate sporting entities. Many sports players will retain ownership of their mansions and European sports cars, so all will be well and we can rest easy.

2. Thousands of gallons of fossil fuels will be regularly burned up by hundreds of racecars. All for the purpose of driving in a circle for hours while promoting household consumer items such as Tide laundry detergent and Mountain Dew Amp energy drink. We should probably drill for more oil in order to insure that we can continue to sell these important products. Otherwise humanity may forget how to wash clothes while remaining fully awake and alert.

3. Millions of gallons of beer will be consumed by many drunken redneck hillbillies while watching these sporting events. Subsequently, many will beat their wives after their team of choice loses a game. Because everyone knows housewives are to blame for all sporting losses. Not the coach. After all, he’s an angry beer swilling mouth-breather who is also prone to violent outbursts, with whom drunken hillbillies personally identify.

4. Washed-up former athletes will still get paid millions to talk about game highlights and predictions after the game, just long enough to interfere with any normal programming. Thus allowing them to keep their mansions and European sports cars. Thousands of impoverished Americans (those without cable) will be deprived of valuable cartoon time, as The Simpsons and Family Guy are preempted by this pointless ego stroking banter. Cartoon fans will never know when this will happen because they probably don’t give a rat’s ass about sports to begin with. Thus they will stay home in the hopes of seeing Peter Griffin and end up ultimately throwing things at the tv and screaming obscenities for half an hour. Sometimes two hours if it’s Nascar. Believe me, I’ve done this before.

5. People who do not have enough intelligence to entertain themselves or enrich their lives with learning activities or hobbies will still be able to feel important and form strong (sometimes violent) opinions about stupid, pointless shit. While they might not be able to understand much about the world around them, they will still be able to shake their fists and hold strong opinions about stuff. They will also be given the opportunity to go into debt by buying tons and tons of team regalia and clothing at exorbitant prices. A plus side to this scenario is they will be so distracted by their sports obsession, they’ll probably stop having sex with their sisters, cousins, and/or other close relatives.

6. Thousands of intelligent people will be ridiculed around company water coolers because they could care less about grown men fighting to move a ball back and forth in a large rectangular area while stopping regularly to grab each other’s asses. You know who you are. You used to smuggle sci-fi novels into all the school’s mandatory pep rallies just to keep yourself from committing suicide out of sheer boredom and jock-loathing.

7. During the course of many important playoffs and championships, young children in Africa will die due to AIDS, starvation, and unclean water supplies. Many heroic military vets will freeze to death under bridges and overpasses as their shellshock and war-induced Agent Orange cancer goes untreated. Someone’s grandmother will also die due to poor healthcare and an inability to keep her electricity turned on during the winter. Luckily, no one will notice these sad events because, “there was an interception, then we had to do The Wave, and then I had to tell the guy in front of me he was a jerk for wearing the wrong color, and by then I was so exhausted I had to eat my fifth hot dog of the night and chase it with another beer. Yaaaay! GO TEAM!!!”. I’m sure grandma will rest easily in heaven knowing that the same money that could have kept her power on for one more month, was spent on a couple tickets, some jerseys, and a hot dog or two.

8. Millionaires will run back and forth on a rectangular playing area while feeling very important. Their precious egos will be gently stroked and coddled, much like a sultan’s ballsack.

9. A ball, of sorts, will be moved back and forth from one side of the playing area to the other. This ball will not be allowed to leave the rectangular area or be allowed to travel any constructive length of distance. The key is to waste as much physical energy as pointlessly as possible. Otherwise something might actually get accomplished.

10. Coaches will yell at players in feigned anger in order to feel like their jobs are important. The key is to remain as angry as possible for as long as possible so people will be tricked into believing you actually do stuff. Oh, and they must stand still and look surprised when the players empty a cooler full of Gatorade on them at the end of the game. This will still be very important.

11. Grown men will fondle each other’s asses and grope on each other in ways that many fans would view as homosexual if it took place anywhere other than a sporting event. This will be viewed as normal and even exciting my many homophobic, redneck fans (most of whom are still in the closet and live in fear of their own sexual urges). Why else would you stare at men in tight pants for hours on end?

12. And now my final prediction!! People will still believe that any of this pointless crap matters and will funnel millions of dollars into the sports industry instead of using it for anything that actually helps humanity. Screw cancer cures! Screw world hunger! I’m ready for some football! It’s a Monday night party. After all, ole Hank says he’s ready to get the party started.

Pissed at me yet? I’m sure some of you are, but that’s o.k. I’d be pissed to if someone talked a bunch of smack about the things I enjoy. I am a fan of many pointless things myself, like cartoons, porn, and politics. Ha ha ha. Just joking about the politics bit. It IS pointless. I’m just not a fan.

Anyway, stay tuned for part two of my sports prediction series, where I try to explain myself a bit and demonstrate what I think we should be doing instead of wasting valuable money and resources on sports.

White Carpets Are Of Satan!

You know what really pisses me off? People who make you take your shoes off when you go their house. I mean whats up with that? Is it that ole Martha's got some sort of cleaning disability or are these people just lazy as hell? You know vacuum cleaners are fairly simple to use. It doesn't require a PhD to use one. What a slap in the face to invite someone to your house only to tell them that they're basically not worth cleaning up after.

I don't think it even has anything to do with the fact that these people are stupid or lazy though. I think its their way of proving they are socially dominant to anyone who visits their house. I, for one, would never invite someone to my house and then demand they take their shoes off before coming in. I mean, if you're Japanese or something, then sure, take your damn shoes off. But using this as some excuse to prove social dominance over the general populace is a downright shitty thing to do. These people are sick individuals and they need to be stopped.

I'll give you an example from my own life experience. See I had this girlfriend one time. Yes Moosehammer actually had a girlfriend at one time. Ha ha! I know, its pretty damn funny. Anyways, this girlfriend moved off to Florida where her family had bought some fancy-schmancy new house. Well, I went to visit their new house one Christmas and was immediately stopped at the door and it was demanded that I take my shoes off before entering. As a matter of fact her mom put on this little dramatic act of freaking out over the fact that I would even think of stepping on her beautiful floor with my wicked and unworthy shoes. Oh the fuckin shame!. Whatever.

Anyway, it gets better, see the reason for all the hubbub was she had just installed new white carpets in the house. And not only did you have to take your shoes off before coming in, you also had to walk on these special plastic walkway mats that ran through the house. So shes got these plastic runways going from room to room in the house and you're supposed to walk on the runways to get where you're going and then jump from the runway to whatever piece of furniture you're looking to use. To make matters worse, she didn't lay the mats down correctly because she didn't want the spiked side (the part that holds the mat in place on the floor) to damage here lovely carpet. So needless to say, while I was tippy-toeing around on these mats, my feet were being eaten up by these spikes on the mats. So not only were you forced to take your shoes off and walk on these mats but you were also forced to endure physical pain with every step.

Now that I think back on it, I wonder if her parents were some sort of sick twisted sadomasochists that had developed this elaborate plan to inflict pain on as many people as possible. Damn those were some crazy people! I kept expecting them to send me outside to use the bathroom as if my human waste was not good enough for their rich person toilets.

If it was up to me, I would have installed monkey-bars going between all the rooms in the house and then electrified their floors so that way the only way to travel around the house would have been to use the monkey-bars. Then I would have given them tons of stuff to carry from one room to another and watched with glee as they fell off the monkey-bars only to get zapped on the feet.

I feel like inviting people like this over to my house and then demanding they take their shoes off before they come in. This would be expected and would show that I also appreciate the same social practices they do. Then I would demand that they all take their pants off because I wouldn't dream of allowing their pants to chafe my new leather furniture. And then I'd sit in front of them in my underwear and make them watch me scratch my privates. That would show the bastards!