Joe the Dumber

I saw a news article the other day about “Joe the Plumber”. Evidently the conservative site PJTV.com has him in Israel reporting on the ongoing Gaza conflict. Now why the hell anyone would think this guy is qualified to report on a war is beyond me. But after seeing the media behave like a schizophrenic baboon on PCP during the last year’s elections, I now believe they’ll give airtime to anyone with a pulse. But it’s not the fact that they gave this media whore a microphone that pissed me off. It’s what he was quoted as saying in response to a question about what he had learned while being a “journalist”.

Here’s what he is quoted as saying:

“I’ll be honest with you. I don’t think journalists should be anywhere allowed war. I mean, you guys report where our troops are at. You report what’s happening day to day. You make a big deal out of it. I think it’s asinine. You know, I liked back in World War I and World War II when you’d go to the theater and you’d see your troops on, you know, the screen and everyone would be real excited and happy for’em. Now everyone’s got an opinion and wants to downer–and down soldiers. You know, American soldiers or Israeli soldiers. I think media should be abolished from, uh, you know, reporting. You know, war is hell. And if you’re gonna sit there and say, “Well look at this atrocity,” well you don’t know the whole story behind it half the time, so I think the media should have no business in it.”

O.K. so aside from the fact that this guy has the vocabulary and language skills of a stoned Miss South Carolina, do you think he even knows what planet he is on at the moment? It’s no surprise this guy didn’t know what tax bracket he was in. Maybe he wasn’t purposefully lying about it after all. Maybe he was just too dumb to know anything other than “Da priddy lady on da tv say Obama bad. Me help priddy lady fight bad man!” It’s hard to believe this guy was McCain’s golden boy in the last leg of the campaign. McCain couldn’t go two minutes in a debate without saying “Joe the Plumber” at least several times. It really makes me wonder if McCain threw the election on purpose. But that’s a subject better explored at another time.

Anyway, let me get back to exactly what was said by JTP. I agree with his opinion on journalists not giving away the location of troops. So I’ll give him that one. So lets move on to where he says, “You report what’s happening day to day. You make a big deal out of it. I think it’s asinine.” So JTP doesn’t like for journalists to make a big deal out of war. I don’t care who’s involved; war is kinda a big deal. Humans being ripped to shreds by shrapnel and gunfire, is kinda a big deal. How is it that we’ve become so desensitized by lock-step warmongering dogma that we’ve got losers like this saying that war is no big deal? I say we put people like this on the frontlines and let our hard working troops get some much-needed rest.

Ok, so now lets move on to his next quote of pure genius, “You know, I liked back in World War I and World War II when you’d go to the theater and you’d see your troops on, you know, the screen and everyone would be real excited and happy for’em. Now everyone’s got an opinion and wants to downer–and down soldiers. You know, American soldiers or Israeli soldiers.” What I want to know is where in the hell did a dumbass like this guy get a time machine? How else would he know how much he supposedly enjoyed World War I and World War II? I’m glad he enjoyed it, because no one else did. And of course he thinks everyone wants to “downer” the soldiers. Only American and Israeli soldiers, by the way because everyone knows they’re the only soldiers that count. Damn! I wish I had one of those JTP time machines. Maybe I could make one if I got real damn drunk and started cementing PVC elbows to beer bottles and Marlboro cigarette butts. That’s gotta be his secret.

Ok now for the best lines in the whole quote. “I think media should be abolished from, uh, you know, reporting. You know, war is hell. And if you’re gonna sit there and say, “Well look at this atrocity,” well you don’t know the whole story behind it half the time, so I think the media should have no business in it.” So he thinks the media should be abolished from reporting. Yeah, that would work great. I guess unlicensed plumbers would take over reporting and make sure it is done correctly. Then he says war is hell. I’ll remind you, he just got done saying war was no big deal. By inference, does this mean he thinks hell is no big deal? He’ll probably loose brownie points with Palin over that one. Then he says if you report on an atrocity and don’t know the whole story behind it, then you have no business reporting on it. I think what he’s really trying to say is: gruesome deaths are only atrocities if “the good guys” die. Otherwise it might build sympathy for “the bad guys”.

Well I hate to tell him, but gruesome deaths are atrocities regardless of who is killed. That’s why war is a big fucking deal. That’s why war is hell. Because no matter how you wage war, or on who, people die horrible deaths. Innocents die. Children and grandparents die. Why does he think we should hide the truth of war? This is the same bullshit double-speak we’ve had shoved down our throats over the last 8 years. When you break it all down, what he’s really saying is, “The people of America should not be allowed to see the real horror and human tragedy that happens when we wage war. Because if they really understood how truly gruesome and evil it is to kill people, they’ll never let us go to war again. And that’s not good because “Da priddy lady” and all her buddies really REALLY like war.” There ya go Joe The Plumber! I tidied it up and put it in “smart people” words for you.

The only reason why conservative news outlets obsess over this guy is because he’s intellectually malleable and will spout off whatever propaganda he thinks they want him to. This in turn infects all the other unintelligent ditto-heads because they personally identify with other stupid people with big voices. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. Joe the Plumber will tell you what is real and what is not. It may not make sense but you’ll believe it all just the same, because he’s not some smarty-pants bleeding-heart lib-tard.

I guess I should be glad someone has sent him overseas as a “journalist”. He might learn a few things while he’s there that he otherwise might have missed out on back here in the USA. Maybe he’ll see enough atrocities to convince him that maybe war isn’t as cool and awesome as his buddies back home say it is. Maybe he’ll do a complete 180 and become a peace activist. Who knows? I just know I’m tired of seeing him and I’m beyond tired of hearing him try to speak coherently. Maybe he’ll just jump in his time machine and spend the rest of his life enjoying the fun times we supposedly had during World War I and II. We can always hope.

My 100% guaranteed sports predictions for the rest of time…..Pt. 2

You may remember an older post of mine entitled “My 100% guaranteed sports predictions for the rest of time…..Pt. 1”. Well, I can imagine I pissed of a lot of people with that post. If you would like to read it, or if you’re a sports fan who would like to be pissed off, please feel free to find it in my older blog posts. Basically I stated that a lot of money and resources were being wasted on professional sports instead of going towards causes that are actually important.

We, as humans, always claim to be civilized and care about the greater good of our world and those around us. But when it comes down to actually doing something to make things better, most Americans would rather stay comfortable and entertained than even think about what needs to be done to make things better. Each year we shovel more and more money into professional sports while turning a blind eye to the suffering around us. I’m sorry but feeding a starving child is much more important than watching people move a ball around in a field. Making sure our children are adequately educated is more important than screaming at your television for hours. Converting our world over to cheap and renewable power is a lot more important than watching cars drive in circles for hours and hours.

Dianne Spearman of the United Nations-sponsored World Food Program says cutting the number of hungry people in the world in half by 2015 could be achieved for roughly $24 billion. The amount of money spent on the sports industry in only one year ($213 billion) could cover the cost of this over eight times. So we can spend billions to develop athletes, feed them, train them, and pay them more money than they deserve, and still manage to tell the poor people of the world “Fuck you!” Yeah, that sounds about right. We’ll still sleep well tonight. After we gorge ourselves on Big Macs and Coca-Cola, we can fall into a blissful slumber as ESPN envelopes our bedroom in a blanket of serene, flickering, sports-related lights. Or should I say highlights?

Here’s a list of just a few things I believe are more important than professional sports and an average cost for each of them:

Cost to dig a water well in third world country: $3,000
Cost of after school programs per child per year: $1000
Cost to convert the average home to solar power: $35,000
Cost of a wind turbine for an average home: $14,000
Average American mortgage payment per month: $1,400
Average annual teacher’s salary K-12: $30,000 (if your lucky)
Average annual cost of health insurance per person: $3,000
Average annual cost of prescription drugs for elderly in America: $2,000

The Sports Business Journal estimated last year’s sports industry to be worth $213 billion. This figure was based on total money spent on: advertising, endorsements, sporting equipment used in competition, facility construction, internet ad spending and subscriber fees, sales of licensed goods, media broadcast rights, financial, legal, and marketing services, spectator spending, sponsorships, medical spending, travel costs, multimedia (magazines, books, video games, dvds), gambling, and operating expenses.

That breaks down into:
71,000,000 water wells in third world countries
213,000,000 kids in after school programs
6,085,714 solar powered homes
15,214,285 wind turbines for homes
152,142,857 mortgage payments
7,100,000 teacher’s salaries
71,000,000 people with health insurance
106,500,000 grandmothers with medicine

In 2008, The Giants got white gold Superbowl rings encrusted with diamonds. These rings cost $25,000 each. These rings were given to all 53 players, the coaches, and the owners. That’s over $1,325,000 spent just on rings. This doesn’t include the cost of the gala ring celebration ceremony or the travel expenses of everyone.

That breaks down into:
441 water wells in third world countries
1,325 kids in after school programs
37 solar powered homes
94 wind turbines for homes
946 mortgage payments
44 teacher’s salaries
441 people with health insurance
662 grandmothers with medicine

One-30 second Superbowl ad costs $3,000,000. Now that’s just ONE ad. Three million dollars in exchange for thirty seconds of America’s attention.

That breaks down into:
1,000 water wells in third world countries
3,000 kids in after school programs
85 solar powered homes
214 wind turbines for homes
2,142 mortgage payments
100 teacher’s salaries
1,000 people with health insurance
1,500 grandmothers with medicine

The average price of a 2008 Superbowl ticket was $2,000 between basic cost and online resellers. Over 71,000 people attended the 2008 Superbowl. Total money spent on tickets was $142,000,000.

That breaks down into:
47,333 water wells in third world countries
142,000 kids in after school programs
4,057 solar powered homes
10,142 wind turbines for homes
101,428 mortgage payments
4,733 teacher’s salaries
47,333 people with health insurance
71,000 grandmothers with medicine

As you can see, our priorities are all out of whack. We’d rather watch our world go down the drain than have to do without our mind-numbing, culturally invented, comfort zones. As a society, we have gotten so swept up in our own self-entertainment, we have lost track of what truly matters. When in reality, passing yards and first place doesn’t really matter. Not when great and loving individuals everywhere are hungry, jobless, or living without clean water. This is one of the main reasons why I personally believe humans, as a species, are totally insane.

So the next time you’re buying sports tickets, watching a game, or adding to your collection of jerseys and Nascar collectibles, just stop for a second and think about what really matters in this world. Think about an elderly friend or relative that may need help. Think about the world you want to leave for your grandchildren. Think about how it feels to be poor and helpless when no one seems to care. Then turn off the damn tv and do something about it. Please and Thank You!

Toilet Seat Up Or Down. The definitive answer.

So here’s the big question: “Should the toilet seat be left up or put down when one is done using it?” This question has plagued couples and families for years and probably will continue to. Luckily, though, I think I’ve got the definitive answer that can resolve this and hopefully give couples less time arguing and more time making sweet monkey love, or whatever they may like to do when they aren’t arguing about toilet seats. I’m not one to advocate or incite tension between the sexes, but I think it’s time someone addressed this question in a detached and logical manner.

First let me say, too many people blame members of the opposite sex for their problems without realizing there’s not much difference between men and women. I believe some of the blame for this can be placed on modern media and it’s influence on popular culture. Most family sitcoms make their bread and butter by portraying parents and couples as being in a constant gender-based power struggle. It’s the classic Fred and Wilma Flintstone scenario. Both people blame the other for all their problems while secretly and selfishly plotting behind each other’s backs. Usually a friend of the same sex is brought in to help with the systematic destruction of the other spouse’s self esteem and will to live. This is all great, hilarious fun until people actually start to believe this is real and natural behavior that should be emulated. Combine this with men’s and women’s magazines that constantly drive home the differences between the sexes and there’s no wonder why most marriages and relationships don’t last that long. The truth is it doesn’t have to be this complicated. Members of the opposite sex generally aren’t a bunch of scheming puzzles that need deciphering.

I don’t really see much difference between men and women (other than biological plumbing). You’ve got kind and giving people in both groups and you’ve got dicks and assholes as well. It’s all a matter of making sure you don’t associate with conniving, manipulative, sociopathic, sacks of shit. Whether they are men or women makes no difference.

Now back to the argument at hand. Some women believe that the toilet seat should be left down at all times. Some of them become very militant over this. Some of them could care less. The main reasoning behind this point of view is if the seat is left down, then they won’t fall into the toilet water when they go to use the restroom. This usually happens late at night, or when they are drunk, or maybe even both. This is understandable. Most people don’t bother to wake up fully when going to use the bathroom for fear of not being able to get back to sleep. Or maybe it’s laziness, or maybe I’m just pulling shit out of my ass on this one (pardon the pun). So the point is many women don’t want to have to look down at the toilet before they sit down on it. Never mind the possibility that someone may have left the seat down but also pissed all over it. Or maybe someone snuck in and filled the toilet with water moccasins or some other type of venomous creature. I know I’m not going to sit down ANYWHERE without looking first. That’s just me. To each his/or her own I guess.

Now I will address the men’s side of the argument. Men cannot pee without first making sure the seat is up. Otherwise they just piss all over everything. Aim all you want, but you’re still going to need as big a target as possible in order to make sure you don’t hit the seat. But this is where men begin to feel victimized and demasculinated. You see in order to use the bathroom they have to lift the seat, piss, and then put the seat back down. Now if you compare this to the women that want to sit, pee, and then leave without having to bend over to adjust the toilet seat, you can see why some men get pissed (pardon the pun) about this as well. Many feel that women should be responsible for some of the bending and lifting as well. Even in the middle of the night. Being born with a penis should not automatically sentence men to a life of toilet seat manipulation. Although I do believe it probably ensures a lifetime of trash duty. I’m still studying that one.

So on and on it goes for years and years, with both sides feeling like victims and a whole lot less sweet monkey love being made. But it doesn’t always have to be that way. After 36 years of riding on this big rock called Earth, I’ve finally come to a conclusion that I believe will finally resolve the age-old argument over the positioning of the toilet seat. Are you ready? I’m excited and I already know what the answer is.

Here it is…..

Both sexes should be held responsible for putting both the toilet seat AND the toilet lid down after using the bathroom. That way both sexes have to lift and lower the toilet seat each time they use the bathroom. This ensures equal responsibility and duties are shared by each sex. No one is being used as toilet labor, no one is getting a free ride, and no one is getting a wet ass. It’s extremely fair and very simple. I can’t wait to accept my Nobel Peace Prize.

*As a side note, the toilet seat is not an issue at my house. We all accept the toilet seat as a uncontrollable variable in our lives. I guess it’s a gentle reminder that chaos can strike at anytime, anywhere. At our house, life is not like a box of chocolates. It’s like a toilet seat. You never know if it’s going to be up, down, or sealed off completely. Besides, we’re way too busy making sweet monkey love to worry about something as silly as a toilet seat! Love really does conquer all.

Illegal aliens that “took arrr jorbs!”

I’m going to have to politely request that you put down your I-phones and Blackberrys for a moment, put down that Starbucks Mocha Latte’, and pay close attention to what I’m about to tell you. Are you ready? O.K. Here it goes….. Mexican’s are not human trash. They are not lazy, shiftless, or inherently evil either. It’s kind of earth shattering isn’t it? I know it has to be fairly surprising for a lot of you to hear that. Especially since our government has told you the exact opposite for years.

I’m sure you’ve even had some helpful fellow Americans fill you in on all the horrible, malicious things these people have done to you, your country, and even your children’s futures. Living in the south, I’m reminded of this every day. Usually by some 65 year old white guy, with a sixth grade education, who uses the “N” word in every fifth sentence of the conversation. These shining pinnacles of intellectual excellence are a delight to behold, and I treasure the time I get to share with them (usually at the check out lane at the local Wal-mart). One of these fun people even took the time, one day, to point out to me the structural similarities held between Michelle Obama’s face and that of an ape. Unfortunately, I was so overjoyed with his insight, I forgot to tell him about George Bush’s likeness to a chimpanzee with Down’s syndrome. It’s such fucking fun living in the bible belt! But I digress. Back to the subject at hand.

The truth, in fact, is that most Mexican’s have families like yours and mine. They have hopes and dreams. They feel love for one another. A lot of them even go to church on Sunday. Shocking, isn’t it? Considering we’re currently trying to build a wall on our border to keep these people away from us, you would probably be more inclined to think of them as a zombie plague than decent human beings. Don’t tell anyone, but I once heard (from a trusted Christian source) that they even have souls and are allowed into heaven if they behave themselves.

I know what you’re thinking. “So if these folks are so nice and wonderful, why in the hell are they taking all our jobs?!!”. Well, uh, because they have to. Look at it this way, if you could go to Canada and make enough money in a few months to support your family, back home, for a whole year, wouldn’t you do it? If your child needed an operation in order to save their life, and this was the only way to get the money to make it happen, wouldn’t you do it? Or would you stay at home and let your family live in severe poverty in order to keep from inconveniencing a bunch of fat Americans who can’t live a week without their I-phones and cable television? It’s not like we Americans don’t do the same thing. How many of you know people who get their medicine from Canada? As humans, we do what we have to for ourselves and the ones we love. Anything less is illogical and stupid.

With the amount of waste and excess we have in this country, can you really blame anyone in REAL need from wanting to finish off our leftovers? Most of the jobs that are taken by “illegals” are the jobs most American’s are “too good for” anyway. How many Americans on unemployment right now would be biting at the bit for a job working in the fields picking tomatoes? How many of the people who just got laid off from factory jobs in the automotive industry would happily accept a minimum wage job (or less in most cases), in the heat, with absolutely no benefits or health coverage? Now let me ask this question: If you were an employer, would you rather hire a hard working Mexican man with a family to support, or a spoiled American teenager who spends all day on the cell phone trying to fabricate a reason to leave work early?

While we’re addressing all these “stolen” jobs, lets stop for a minute and look at what our own country is doing to help hardworking Americans stay employed. We’re laying off our own workers in order for CEOs and execs to take expensive vacations and get bigger and bigger bonuses. We’re building factories in Mexico and other foreign countries in order to maximize profits, thus insuring bigger bonuses for corporate fat cats. As a matter of fact, as long as Mexico stays poor, we can continue to exploit their country for cheap production without running into all the extra shipping costs that come from production overseas. I guess we can still exploit cheap foreign labor if it’s not done locally. And as long as a majority of the public blames unemployment on Mexicans, they probably won’t pay attention to what the upstanding American corporations are doing. It all works out so well, you’d almost think someone planned the whole thing.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that illegal immigration is not a problem. I’m just saying there is more to it all than “the powers that be” want us to think about and we can’t blame the Mexicans for trying to keep their families alive. In order to overcome this, we have to remove ourselves from the “us and them” mentality. We have to learn to accept everyone in the world as our fellow brothers in humanity. Just because someone lives on the other side of an imaginary line doesn’t mean they are any different from us. After all, we eat their cuisine, and drool over their beautiful men and women, yet we look down on them as if they are not as good as us Americans. This makes no sense and it has to quit. Considering our current economic crisis, we could very well be in their shoes before too long. How will we view ourselves if we end up sneaking into Canada to steal their table scraps?

As long as humanity allows itself to be divided with imaginary borders and political rhetoric spawned from greed, we will continue to destroy ourselves. If we stay divided, we will come into this new century as slaves, controlled by the wealthy powers of the world. Greed and money mongering (unlike love and hope) went global a long time ago. It is well established and currently has the people of the world in a chokehold. Money doesn’t care about borders. Nor does it let cultural or religious differences get in it’s way. If the money is there, “enemies” will shake hands and make deals, even at the expense of humanity as a whole. This has proven itself true over and over. How do you think Saddam Hussein originally got his first shot at serious power?

It’s time for the huddled masses to unite and go global. United, we can stand for something real and have a fighting chance at hope and happiness for ALL. Divided, we will surely fall and be exploited by the wolves in our own backyards. This is what they bank on. As long as we perceive each other as evil or insane, we’ll never get together and realize that after all this time, WE are not what is sabotaging hope, THEY are. As long as the poor people of the world are kept sick, divided, and uneducated, they know they have us where they want us.

So in closing, I’d just like to say, keep hating your fellow man if that’s what makes you feel good. Stay scared of people that are different if you feel you must. Believe all the bullshit that’s fed to you if it makes you feel proud of yourself. Try to convince yourself that any of this petty shit matters. The rest of us have bigger and better things to do than hate our fellow man. We’ve got a date with a paradigm shift that’s gonna make the richest people in the world shit their pants.

MooseHammer out Goddammit!!

Some basic truths that I believe are self evident

I refuse to let anyone tell me what chemicals I should or shouldn’t put into my body.

I refuse to let anyone tell me what god to pray to or what church to go to.

Corporate entities are inherently evil.

Christians pray to much to Jesus and ignore God in the process.

I will not cut my fucking hair.

I will not pray when told to or to whom I am told to.

I will not take prescription medication for depression. I am terrified for all the right reasons.

I know that we are killing ourselves as a species. This is encouraged by greedy corporate entities.

Money is addictive. You should constantly monitor your dosage.

I refuse to smile on command. Or when I don’t want to.

I recognize news and media for what it is (Programming and brainwashing).

I refuse to burn any book, any art, or any form of music for any reason.

I refuse to trust or believe any televangelist, and most preachers for that matter.

I refuse to feel bad for not conforming.

Pushy people better push someone else if they know what’s good for them.

People with plastic/fake smiles deserved to be punched until they can’t do it anymore.

Radical militant Christians are evil and are instruments of their own Satan.

God helps those who help themselves. Not those who refuse to use their brains or refuse to do anything for themselves. Prayer is a last resort, and a comfort, not a crutch.

Homeless people are just as pitiful in America as they are in third world countries. Why not try helping a neighbor or a war vet in need.

The amount of money that is wasted by corporate entities on stupid stuff is horrible. It should be used to make the community better. TV’s on gas pumps are not necessary.