Toilet Seat Up Or Down. The definitive answer.

So here’s the big question: “Should the toilet seat be left up or put down when one is done using it?” This question has plagued couples and families for years and probably will continue to. Luckily, though, I think I’ve got the definitive answer that can resolve this and hopefully give couples less time arguing and more time making sweet monkey love, or whatever they may like to do when they aren’t arguing about toilet seats. I’m not one to advocate or incite tension between the sexes, but I think it’s time someone addressed this question in a detached and logical manner.

First let me say, too many people blame members of the opposite sex for their problems without realizing there’s not much difference between men and women. I believe some of the blame for this can be placed on modern media and it’s influence on popular culture. Most family sitcoms make their bread and butter by portraying parents and couples as being in a constant gender-based power struggle. It’s the classic Fred and Wilma Flintstone scenario. Both people blame the other for all their problems while secretly and selfishly plotting behind each other’s backs. Usually a friend of the same sex is brought in to help with the systematic destruction of the other spouse’s self esteem and will to live. This is all great, hilarious fun until people actually start to believe this is real and natural behavior that should be emulated. Combine this with men’s and women’s magazines that constantly drive home the differences between the sexes and there’s no wonder why most marriages and relationships don’t last that long. The truth is it doesn’t have to be this complicated. Members of the opposite sex generally aren’t a bunch of scheming puzzles that need deciphering.

I don’t really see much difference between men and women (other than biological plumbing). You’ve got kind and giving people in both groups and you’ve got dicks and assholes as well. It’s all a matter of making sure you don’t associate with conniving, manipulative, sociopathic, sacks of shit. Whether they are men or women makes no difference.

Now back to the argument at hand. Some women believe that the toilet seat should be left down at all times. Some of them become very militant over this. Some of them could care less. The main reasoning behind this point of view is if the seat is left down, then they won’t fall into the toilet water when they go to use the restroom. This usually happens late at night, or when they are drunk, or maybe even both. This is understandable. Most people don’t bother to wake up fully when going to use the bathroom for fear of not being able to get back to sleep. Or maybe it’s laziness, or maybe I’m just pulling shit out of my ass on this one (pardon the pun). So the point is many women don’t want to have to look down at the toilet before they sit down on it. Never mind the possibility that someone may have left the seat down but also pissed all over it. Or maybe someone snuck in and filled the toilet with water moccasins or some other type of venomous creature. I know I’m not going to sit down ANYWHERE without looking first. That’s just me. To each his/or her own I guess.

Now I will address the men’s side of the argument. Men cannot pee without first making sure the seat is up. Otherwise they just piss all over everything. Aim all you want, but you’re still going to need as big a target as possible in order to make sure you don’t hit the seat. But this is where men begin to feel victimized and demasculinated. You see in order to use the bathroom they have to lift the seat, piss, and then put the seat back down. Now if you compare this to the women that want to sit, pee, and then leave without having to bend over to adjust the toilet seat, you can see why some men get pissed (pardon the pun) about this as well. Many feel that women should be responsible for some of the bending and lifting as well. Even in the middle of the night. Being born with a penis should not automatically sentence men to a life of toilet seat manipulation. Although I do believe it probably ensures a lifetime of trash duty. I’m still studying that one.

So on and on it goes for years and years, with both sides feeling like victims and a whole lot less sweet monkey love being made. But it doesn’t always have to be that way. After 36 years of riding on this big rock called Earth, I’ve finally come to a conclusion that I believe will finally resolve the age-old argument over the positioning of the toilet seat. Are you ready? I’m excited and I already know what the answer is.

Here it is…..

Both sexes should be held responsible for putting both the toilet seat AND the toilet lid down after using the bathroom. That way both sexes have to lift and lower the toilet seat each time they use the bathroom. This ensures equal responsibility and duties are shared by each sex. No one is being used as toilet labor, no one is getting a free ride, and no one is getting a wet ass. It’s extremely fair and very simple. I can’t wait to accept my Nobel Peace Prize.

*As a side note, the toilet seat is not an issue at my house. We all accept the toilet seat as a uncontrollable variable in our lives. I guess it’s a gentle reminder that chaos can strike at anytime, anywhere. At our house, life is not like a box of chocolates. It’s like a toilet seat. You never know if it’s going to be up, down, or sealed off completely. Besides, we’re way too busy making sweet monkey love to worry about something as silly as a toilet seat! Love really does conquer all.